Why does it feel like my life these past two years has been a giant rollercoaster of crazy? Why can’t my life be normal? 

Going to missions tomorrow (well i guess today technically) in innercity Baltimore. Please take some time to pray for me if you can, as life decided to go and beat me up this past weekend… making me almost miss the trip completely. 

God, please remind me every moment of the week that Your love is strong. 

i hate going on facebook this month. 

everyone is happy because it’s may… school is ending, we are graduating, etc… pictures and happiness everywhere. 

i feel like Scrooge haha

This past year has been one helluva roller coaster ride. I remember giving my testimony at Praise Night in the fall and saying “Actually, it’s probably been one of the hardest years for me so far in terms of life itself.” I don’t think when I said my testimony then, I imagined life ever possibly getting even harder… but it did. 

Strangely, I can’t remember everything that’s happened this past year. I’ve had difficulty remembering things even as hard situations were going on. But, there are definitely things that I do still remember pieces of… and it still pains me greatly as I remember them. 

Most of Junior year’s been a pretty difficult battle, realizing that what I wanted for my future was different from what my parents wanted. When I began to voice that to my parents, they took it pretty badly. But that wasn’t anywhere near as hard as the battle that I had waiting for me once Junior year ended. 

The intense crazy began the beginning of my summer when my parents threatened to cut me off because I couldn’t come home for the first half of summer break. Then, I went home and found my parents yelling at each other 24/7 because one of them thought the other cheated on them. I remember nights of laying in my bed, hearing my parents yell hysterically… not knowing what to do. 

And then, that wasn’t all. 

The fall semester started and things… for me… became even worse. One week toward the beginning of the semester, I found out my brother was in the hospital, my friend got hurt in an accident, my mom went mia, pee water started pouring from my bathroom ceiling, and a bunch of other bad things happened. I remember that Sunday, crying like crazy as one of the leaders in my church held me and told me it was okay to cry. I thought after that things were going to be okay… that things couldn’t possibly get worse… but boy was I wrong. 

As the semester passed, my parents and I had more conflict. I found myself not knowing what to do, hurt by the things that they said… feeling helpless… feeling like God wasn’t there. I can’t remember all the details but pretty soon I found myself with cuts on my wrist from me trying to distract myself from the emotional pain by creating physical pain. There were days when I would sit in my dark room, laying there unable to do anything. Pretty soon, my room wasn’t even dark enough for me to feel comfortable that I would sit in the closet for hours… being haunted by thoughts I didn’t want to have… feeling comforted, not by God, but by the idea of death and the dark. 

And then, once again, I got myself out of it and felt better. I didn’t think things could get worse than that. But, it did…

Around a week after the fall retreat, things became the worst it’s ever been. I suddenly stopped wanting to talk to people, seeing people, and even chatting with people on gchat. It was exhausting and felt pointless. All I wanted to do was lay in bed and do nothing. I skipped classes, meetings, and etc. so that I could stay at home all day. I couldn’t stop crying. I didn’t feel happy… nothing made me happy. I hated living. I wanted so much to die. For weeks, I laid in bed, unable to pray… wondering if God was good. The only thing I could get myself to say to God was to ask Him to kill me. I wanted to die so much… so so much.  I lay in bed with everything hurting, feeling so lonely, being constantly attacked with lies that weren’t true. I can’t remember all the details of how I felt… but eventually I realized that I was severely depressed.

When i used to hear about depression, i never really quite understood it… how someone could just feel sad for no apparent reason. A part of me thought that those people were just weak. I knew depression was a real thing, and I felt bad for those who suffered from it, but i just couldnt completely wrap my head around it. 

Depression feels like you’re living in a hell that you’ve built for yourself. i think its something that is hard for someone to completely understand unless they themselves have experienced it. constantly, i feel myself sad with nothing that sparks it. And if anything does spark a sad, angry, or any sort of negative emotion, things just get a billion times worse. 

there were days and moments when things are manageable… when i could at least function normally and push all other thoughts away. but there were also a lot of moments when I couldn’t. i would get completely consumed by this monster called depression. 

when things were bad, i was constantly weepy which is frustrating cos i hate crying. i would feel completely alone. i wouldn’t know how to ask for help. little things would become bigger. negative thoughts would constantly berate my head… like no one cares about you…. theres no purpose for living… you are all alone… everything is your fault. Trying to be motivated and get myself out of it did no good… it usually just went the opposite way instead… you can do it! you can fix this! turned in to you are so pathetic. what kind of retard cant just push through this?

and then there was God. 

My brain was always saying, you’re a christian, you should be able to rely on God and just fix this. It was hard to put God in the perspective of all this because I couldn’t help it, during my severe depressive episodes, to question God’s goodness. And everytime i decided to trust in God with all of it, things just end up getting worse the next day. I knew at the end of all this, there would be something amazing waiting for me that God had in plan but nothing really seemed worth it any more. Happiness seemed pointless. and I couldn’t help to find myself often praying for God to just end my life. But obviously He didn’t. 

The only thing that kept be going was the fact that I believed in God. I feared what God would do if I did actually kill myself. I contemplated a billion different ways for me to die… for me to kill myself… but i could never actually get myself to put my thoughts into action because I was scared of God. 

So what about now? During that time, a couple of my brothers and sisters in my fellowship really watched out for me and tried their best to help me even though they didn’t really understand how i felt. i also went to the psychologist who prescribed me medicine for depression that I didn’t actually end up taking. But now, I’m much better. there are moments that are still hard… like moments when I’ll suddenly get a strange thought of “wouldn’t it feel nice to cut yourself?” or when my parents call. Talking and hanging out with people is still somewhat hard for me but much easier than it was. I’m not constantly haunted by thoughts of killing myself anymore… actually, I don’t really have them anymore. I feel like myself which I haven’t been able to feel like in months. It was kind of amazing, how I suddenly was able to break through depression… just one day, I felt happy… clear headed… and i knew that it was God… otherwise I don’t know if I could have gotten myself out.

I look back and i can’t believe the amount of crazy that I went through. I don’t know if its over yet… so far, every time I thought it was over, things have gotten worse. But strangely, I’m not angry at God for it. Actually, I kind of praise God… that He helped me out of all of that… that He placed people around me that could help me to get myself out. I learned a lot through all of the things that happened. I wish that i didn’t have to go through all of that to learn the things I did and grow the way that I did… but it happened and God helped me through all of it. yeah… i don’t know. i’m still trying to figure out what exactly God was trying to teach me through all the things that happened… and am still trying to figure out what awesomeness God had waiting for me at the end of all this. But, i know I couldn’t have gone through all the things I did with out God. I can say that God is the only reason that I am alive today. Because without Him, I don’t know if I could have fought away the depression, the lies, the negative thoughts that attacked me, and the comfort of death. 

⁶ Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. ⁷ Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.

 ⁸ Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. ⁹ Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that the family of believers throughout the world is undergoing the same kind of sufferings.

 ¹⁰ And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. ¹¹ To him be the power for ever and ever. Amen.

1 Peter 5:6-11

I’ve been having really weird dreams every night which is quite abnormal cos I don’t usually have dreams…. maybe it’s because I’m finally getting a lot of sleep.

But yesterday’s dream was particularly interesting to me…

I can’t remember what the dream was right before this one and I think this dream just randomly cut into another dream i was having about making John&Felicia’s wedding website.

In my dream, I was on this long hilly path that went up and down like a sine function hahaha. I was walking and then I realized that a strange man dressed in black and looking all creepy was behind me. The other couple that was walking near me noticed him and was frightened as well. I remember thinking that I should run but that I should be safe since the other couple behind me was closer to the creepy man and so if he would do something, they’d be affected first. I started to run but all of a sudden, my feet wouldnt move. I looked back and saw that the creepy man had his eyes focused on me and realized he cast some spell or something to keep my feet from moving. I finally got my feet free but as I tried to run up the hill, it got harder and harder to reach the top. 

Eventually, the creepy scary man caught up to me and started yelling at me about something. I remember the dream ended with me yelling at him about how Jesus exists and defending God and Jesus. And then it went back to my dream about the website… 

weeeeird dreammmmmm

restart012

why?